SithVamp Reviews: Labyrinth

(Dedicated to David Bowie (1947-2016))



Welcome to another episode of SithVamp Reviews… (Sigh) Originally, I was going to review Phantom of the Paradise, but… I’ve been informed that we’ve lost yet another Rock Legend: David Bowie… He was an amazing guy too. He gave us such songs as Space Oddity, Ziggy Stardust, Fame, Rebel-Rebel, Ashes to Ashes, etc. etc. So, to pay tribute to Mr. Bowie, I'm going to review a movie that starred him and which was made by Jim Henson and George Lucas: Labyrinth!

Labyrinth came out in 1986. The movie opens in a park, where we see a girl named Sarah, played by Jennifer Connelly, reciting some lines from a fantasy book, when suddenly it starts raining. Sarah heads home with her dog, Merlin. When she goes home, we find out that Sarah lives with her father and her stepmother, and they tell Sarah that while they go out for the night, she must stay home to babysit her baby brother, Toby. Sarah is not pleased to hear this.

Sarah is mad, because Toby won’t stop crying. Then she has enough, so she goes to Toby’s room and tells him that if he won’t stop crying, she’ll call the Goblins to take him away. Toby keeps crying, so Sarah picks her up and calls the Goblin King to take him away. What Sarah doesn’t know is that there actually ARE Goblins and they hear her. And they grant her wish, because when Sarah leaves the room, Toby stops crying, and when she goes back, she sees that he’s gone!

This is when Jareth, the Goblin King, played by the late David Bowie, appears. He informs Sarah that he has taken Toby to his Castle. But Sarah feels remorseful, so she begs Jareth to give Toby back. At first Jareth refuses, but then he gives Sarah a task: if she can get through his Labyrinth and make it to his Castle, in 13 hours, he’ll give Toby back to her, but if she doesn’t, Toby will become a Goblin himself.

Jareth then takes Sarah to his world, so she can start her journey. At the entrance of the Labyrinth, Sarah meets a quite grumpy Dwarf named Hoggle. Hoggle sprays some insecticide on Fairies, and after she gets bitten by one, Sarah finds out why. Hoggle shows Sarah the entrance, who enters and starts her quest.

For a while it feels like that the Labyrinth is just a straight road with no end, because Sarah doesn’t see any turns. She just keeps going forward. After she gets exhausted, Sarah is greeted by a Worm, who tells her that the Labyrinth is full of turns and corners and that she’s facing a turn. Sarah goes through the turn, but the Worm tells her to go the other way (because the way Sarah headed was going straight to the Castle).

Meanwhile in the Castle, Toby is surrounded by the Goblins. This is when Jareth starts singing the song “Magic Dance”, and the other Goblins start singing with him. “Magic Dance” btw, is my favorite song in the movie. Anyway, while the song is going on, Sarah keeps wandering through the Labyrinth.

When the song ends, Sarah comes across two doors, which are guarded by Guards, two red and two blue. One of the door leads to the Castle and the other leads to Certain Death, and what makes it more difficult is that one guard tells the truth, while the other one is lying, but nobody knows which is which. In the end, Sarah chooses the Door guarded by the Blue Guards, but she falls into a Pit. In the Pit, hands, who call themselves Helping Hands, are sticking out of the walls, who catch Sarah, but she asks them to let him go. The Hands let Sarah go and she falls to the bottom of the pit. Jareth sees this through the Crystal Ball, and hopes that Sarah will break.

But luckily for Sarah, Hoggle is in the cave, which is referred to as an Oubliette, too. Sarah notices that Hoggle is worried about her, so she makes a deal with him: she gives him her plastic bracelet if he leads here out of the oubliette. Hoggle agrees and he leads Sarah out of the hole.

Sarah and Hoggle go through the tunnels and they see stone faces in the Walls, called False Alarms, when suddenly they see a crystal ball rolling. The Crystal Ball jumps into a beggar’s cup, and the beggar reveals himself to be Jareth! Jareth suspects that Hoggle is helping Sarah, but Hoggle assures him he’s not. Jareth then threatens Hoggle that if he betrays him, he’ll banish him to the Bog of Eternal Stench. Then Jareth asks Sarah how she likes the Labyrinth so far, to which she replies: “it’s a piece of cake”. Then Jareth throws his crystal ball away, summoning a machine, which Hoggle refers to as “The Cleaners”.

Sarah and Hoggle start fleeing from the Cleaners, until they find a ladder. They climb up the ladder and reach the surface. Then Hoggle refuses to go with Sarah any further, but Sarah then takes his little bag of gold. This is when they see an old wise man with a bird hat, so Sarah asks him for directions. The Wise Man tells Sarah that “sometimes the way forward is the way back”.

Then Sarah and Hoggle continue their journey, but suddenly they hear a roar, which scares Hoggle, causing him to run away. Sarah then goes alone to find out where the roars are coming from. She sees that some Goblins are torturing a Monster hanging from a tree. Sarah feels sorry for the Monster, so she saves it by throwing rocks at the Goblin Torturers.

When the Goblins leave, Sarah unties the Monster and takes him off the tree. The Monster is called Ludo and he befriends Sarah. Then they see two doorknockers. One has a ring in his ears, the other has one in his mouth. Sarah takes the ring out of one of the Doorknockers’ mouth, and he tells her that she has to knock in order to find out what’s behind the door. So Sarah puts the ring back into the Doorknocker’s mouth, opens the door and then she and Ludo go through.

Meanwhile, Hoggle is at another end of the Labyrinth, when he hears Sarah’s voice. He goes to help her, but Jareth confronts him again. Jareth suspects that Hoggle is worried about Sarah, but Hoggle still assures him that he only wants to take Sarah back to the beginning of the Labyrinth. Jareth begins to trust Hoggle less and less, and he gives him a peach that he must give to Sarah. If Hoggle doesn’t give Sarah the peach or she kisses him, Jareth will send him to the Bog of Eternal Stench.

Sarah and Ludo enter a forest, but suddenly Ludo falls down a hole, and Sarah is left all alone. But not for long, because she’s soon confronted by a group of weird creatures called Fireys, also known as the Fire Gang, who start having a party, dancing around Sarah and singing a song: “Chilly Down”. The Fireys are creatures, who can detach their limbs, and this creeps Sarah out, so to get away from them, she throws the Fireys’ heads away then runs off. The Fireys run after Sarah, but she gets rescued by Hoggle.

Sarah thanks Hoggle and she kisses him, but a trap door opens below them and they slide to straight to the Bog of Eternal Stench! Hoggle almost falls into the Bog, but Sarah saves him. Then they reunite with Ludo, who complains that the Bog “smells bad”. Sarah then sees a bridge, so she, Hoggle and Ludo head there, but they are stopped by the guard of the Bridge: a fox named Sir Didymus, who speaks like a Shakespearean character. Sir Didymus says that no one shall cross the bridge without his permission.

Ludo gets in a fight with Sir Didymus and they just fight on and on until Ludo throws Didymus into a hole in a tree. Didymus thinks that Ludo is a worthy opponent, so he makes peace with him. Then he grants Sarah and Ludo permission to cross the bridge. Sarah steps on the bridge, but it breaks in under her, and she hangs onto the branch of a tree in order not to fall in the Bog. This is when Ludo reveals his special power: he summons rocks by roaring. The rocks form a path in the Bog and Sarah walks across it. Ludo follows her and so does Sir Didymus on his dog for a steed, Ambrosius, who looks just like Sarah’s dog Merlin.

So Sarah, Hoggle, Ludo AND Sir Didymus continue their journey, but Hoggle wants to throw the Peach in the Bog, but Jareth’s voice warns him: “I wouldn’t do that if I were you…”. Jareth watches Sarah and her friends through the Crystal Ball, and here’s where we find out that if Sarah eats the Peach, she will forget everything. As they leave the Bog, Hoggle gives Sarah the Peach. Sarah takes a bite from the peach and then she falls unconscious. Hoggle feels remorseful, so he runs off, saying “Damn you, Jareth, and damn me too!”, and he’s worried that Sarah will never forgive him.

Sarah falls asleep and then we see her dream: she dreams that she’s in a ballroom with masked dancers and she starts dancing with Jareth as he sings another song: “As the World Falls Down”. Whenever I see this scene I can’t decide whether to find it beautiful or creepy… Anyway, the Dancers surround Sarah and this scares her, so she runs and smashes the mirror wall, causing her to fly out of the ballroom.

Sarah wakes up in a junkyard. This is when she bumps into another strange creature: a Junk Lady. Sarah now doesn’t remember anything except that she was looking for something. The Junk Lady hands Sarah her favorite teddy bear, Lancelot, and then she takes her to her room. Sarah lays down on her bed and thinks that it was all just a dream. It, of course, isn’t, because Junk Lady enters the room. Junk Lady starts packing Sarah’s toys in a pile behind her back, until Sarah sees her Labyrinth book. This is when she remembers that she must save Toby!

Sarah smashes her mirror with a music box and her fake room collapses. This is when Sir Didymus and Ludo come to Sarah’s aid and rescue her. Sir Didymus shows Sarah that the entrance to Goblin City is at the end of the Junkyard. Sarah, Sir Didymus and Ludo enter Goblin City, but they are soon confronted by a giant mechanical robot knight! The Giant Robot grabs an axe and starts slashing at our heroes. This is when Hoggle arrives and takes over the Giant Robot.

Hoggle ends up destroying the Robot, but Sarah thanks him for saving her and the others. Hoggle then confesses to Sarah that Jareth made him give her the Peach, but Sarah forgives him for being so heroic, and so do Ludo and Sir Didymus. Then Sarah, Hoggle, Ludo and Sir Didymus enter the Goblin City, but Jareth is informed by a Goblin that they have arrived.

So Jareth orders his Goblin Army to stop Sarah and her friends. What we see next is a huge battle between Sarah and company and the Goblin Army, which includes knights in multicolor armors riding dragons (which look rather friendly), and tank Goblins. Anyway, the fight scene is long and it involves Ludo summoning rocks again and Sir Didymus trying to get Ambrosius to fight, but the dog is too cowardly.

In the end, Sarah and friends win the battle and they enter the Castle. Sarah finds the throne room empty, and she goes to another room, but she tells Hoggle, Ludo and Sir Didymus that she must go alone, but she will call them if she needs them.

Sarah enters a strange room filled with MC Escher style stairs and Jareth sings another song to her. This is when Sarah sees Toby, so she runs to get him. Sarah then jumps and Jareth appears in front of her. Jareth tells that he’s been “generous” to her all along, but Sarah starts quoting the book again and this time she finishes the quotation: “My Kingdom is great, you have no power over me!” And she says it just in time, because the clock strikes 13!

Sarah then finds herself in her house again. She runs upstairs to check on Toby and she finds him asleep. She apologizes to Toby for what she did to him and she gives him her teddy bear Lancelot. Sarah is happy to be home, but she’s also sad because she will never see her friends again.

But then Sarah sees Ludo, Hoggle and Sir Didymus in the mirror and remembers what they said: she just has to call them when she needs them. So Sarah says that she needs her friends and the movie ends with Hoggle, Ludo, Sir Didymus and the other creatures Sarah met in Jareth’s World appearing in Sarah’s room and having party. The party is watched by Jareth in Owl form, who then flies away and the ending credits start rolling.

And that’s Labyrinth! What do I think of it? I love it! It’s a very well-made fantasy musical with puppets!

Good things:
- The Fantasy setting
- The Muppets
- David Bowie’s performance as Jareth and his songs

Bad things:
- Sarah being a bitch at the beginning

Favorite character:
- Sir Didymus
- Hoggle
- Ludo
- Jareth
- The Goblins

Least favorite character:
- The Goblins who tortured Ludo

So overall, I think Labyrinth is amazing. I’m giving it 10 out of 10. See you next time on SithVamp Reviews. Rest in Peace, David Bowie, Ashes to Ashes, Funk to Funky. Hope you can Dance the Magic Dance in Heaven. We’ll never forget Major Tom and that Ziggy could play Guitar…