SV Reviews: Disaster Movie

Welcome to another episode of SithVamp Reviews. Now I’ll be taking a look at a certain film, which kind of satirizes the disaster, sci-fi and a little bit of the monster movie genres, simply entitled: Disaster Movie.

Disaster Movie came out in 2008. The movie opens in prehistoric times, at the Cretaceous Period, where we see a Triceratops grazing quietly, when suddenly it gets attacked by a Tyrannosaurus Rex. The T-Rex chases the Triceratops, but this is when the meteor shower that caused the Dinosaurs’ extinction occurs. Hundreds of meteors rain down from the sky, crashing into the Earth and many Dinosaurs die, but the T-Rex and the Triceratops, along with a Pterodactyl, suddenly get hit by a laser and disappear.

It turns out that these three Dinosaurs were beamed aboard an alien Spaceship. It is also revealed that these Aliens (called the Yoniks) caused the meteor shower, and they report back to their leader, that it was a success. The Yonik Leader then says that they’ll repeat the Meteor Shower Operation again after a few centuries have passed. He also tells his Subjects to bring the 3 surviving Dinosaurs to him, because he has plans with them…

We then cut to centuries later on Earth, in the 21st Century, in New York City, where we see the main character of the movie, Will, played by Matt Lanter, whom you may recognize as the voice of Anakin Skywalker from Star Wars: the Clone Wars. Will wakes up and gets ready for a party he’s throwing, where he will propose to his girlfriend, Amy. He then looks at the photo that shows him as a kid and his father, saying: “I wish you could see this, Dad…” You see, Will’s dad disappeared when he was 10 and no one knows what happened to him.

In space, we see the ship of the Yoniks arriving at Earth. The Yonik Emperor: Zoklax orders his troops to execute Operation Meteor Shower. Zoklax even appoints a female Yonik to find some humans for the Yonik Zoo. The Female Yonik spy named Talera goes to Earth and scans herself a human disguise.

We then see Will throwing his party, where he invited his friends, including Calvin, Juney and Fred. This is also when Amy arrives and Will is ready to propose to her, but he’s in for a big surprise: Amy tells Will that she wants to break up with him, because she now has a new boyfriend: Chad. Amy then leaves with Chad, but not before Chad insults Will. This leaves Will heartbroken and Calvin and Juney try to comfort him.

But this is when another meteor shower occurs. Will and his friends look outside and are shocked. The announcer on the radio says that everyone should hide in bomb shelters. Will also sees that laser-beams are being shot from the sky and this makes him suspicious. He decides to go and seek the advice of his scientist uncle Robert, who happens to be an expert on supernatural phenomena. So Will sets off to find Robert’s lab, and Calvin, Juney and Fred go with him.

As they step outside, Will and friends see that people are running in terror from the falling meteors and shooting lasers, and many die. Will and friends run through the streets and try to dodge the falling meteors. Suddenly, they bump into a girl dressed in a Princess costume. The Princess says that she was on her way to a cosplay party, when the meteor shower happened. Will asks the Princess to come with them and she agrees. What Will and friends don’t know is that this Princess is secretly Talera the Yonik spy in disguise. She then secretly reports to Emperor Zoklax that she met some humans. Zoklax tells her to stay with them.

Will then sees the street, where his Uncle Robert’s laboratory is hidden, so he and the others cross the street, but this is when the first death of the movie happens: while they’re running, a meteor falls down and it crushes Fred. The dying Fred tells his friends to keep going, and eventually Will and the others reach Uncle Robert’s secret lab.

After Will says the password, Uncle Rob lets him and the others inside. Will tells Robert about the meteors and lasers and asks him if he knows what this means. Uncle Rob knows what these signs mean, then starts telling a story, in which we learn what happened to Will’s father. Uncle Rob’s story is about him and Will’s lost father Jim encountering the Yoniks, when they were young. Rob and Jim were taking a hike in the forest, when suddenly they came across a hidden Yonik Spaceship. Curious, they both went inside and found out that the Yoniks are planning to erase mankind in the 21st Century. Unfortunately, the Yoniks found Rob and Jim and tried to capture them. Rob managed to get away, but the Aliens took Jim with them.

Will is shocked to hear this story, and decides to save his Dad and the World from the Yoniks. Uncle Rob even reveals how they can stop the Yoniks’ Doomsday Operation: he says that he managed to steal a copy of the Yoniks’ Anti-Doomsday Device, which he keeps in the Local History Museum. The Princess (of whom the humans still don’t know is Talera) goes aside and reports to the Yonik Flagship that Rob knows their secret. Emperor Zoklax tells her to try and capture him.

This is when Calvin notices that the meteor shower stopped. He and the others think that the Yoniks stopped, but Uncle Rob has a bad feeling about this. And he’s right: because then the Yoniks begin Phase 2 of their Doomsday Operation: they keep shooting lasers and they unleash Giant Mutant Alien Dinosaurs on the city: a T-Rex, a Triceratops and a Pterodactyl and many people flee from them. Will and friends decide to go to the Museum and get the Anti-Doomsday Device.

We then see Amy and her new boyfriend Chad sitting in their car, hoping that they will be safe, but suddenly a Space T-Rex appears. Chad sees this and gets out of the car, abandoning Amy, who screams at him, calling him a coward. But Chad doesn’t get far, because the Space T-Rex sees him and eats him.

Then the Dinosaur approaches the car and starts smashing it, while Amy is screaming in terror. Luckily, Will, Uncle Rob and the others happen to see this, so Will runs to save Amy. He distracts the Space T-Rex, while Calvin and Juney pull the frightened Amy out of the wrecked car. Will runs into an alley and since it’s too big, the Space T-Rex gets stuck between the alley walls. Will then goes back and Amy hugs him, apologizes to him and promises never to leave him again. Will accepts Amy’s apology.

Calvin then asks Uncle Rob about where the Space Dinosaurs came from, and surprisingly he has an answer for that too: when he and Will’s dad Jim were in the Yonik Spaceship, they saw a lab, where the Yoniks were making Space Dinosaurs using the tissue of Earth Dinosaurs, and they planned to use these Space Dinosaurs as some of their many weapons of Mass Destruction.

But trouble doesn’t end there: Juney gets picked up by a Space Pterodactyl and it flies around with her. Then Will, Amy and the others are confronted by a Space Triceratops. The giant alien prehistoric beast slowly approaches our heroes, but Talera, still in her Princess disguise, faces it and by sticking out her hand, she makes eye contact with the Space Triceratops, calming it down. Then she gives the Dinosaur a snack and pats its head. Will and friends (especially Calvin, who slowly grows to like Talera) are amazed by this and they ask Talera how she could stop the Space Triceratops. The Princess-disguised Yonik simply replies she has a thing with animals. Oh, and they even rescue the Space T-Rex that was trapped between the alley walls earlier and Talera uses her same taming tactic on it. The humans then give the Space Dinosaurs names: they call the Triceratops Trevor and the T-Rex Tyler. They then start heading for the Museum.

Meanwhile, the Space Pterodactyl is still flying with Juney, who now looks more annoyed, when suddenly a laser beam accidentally hits the Space Pterodactyl’s wing, causing it to lose flight and it crash lands in Central Park along with Juney. Juney then tries to run away, but it turns out that she too has an empathy for animals: she sees that the Space Pterodactyl can’t get up because of its wounded wing, so she takes the medical kit she happens to have in her backpack (I forgot to mention she’s a vet) and puts some bandage on the Pterosaur’s wing, healing it. And surprisingly, when its wing gets healed, the Space Pterodactyl doesn’t kill Juney. Instead it slowly gets to its feet and chatters to her with a “thank you” tone in its voice.

Juney then calls Will on her phone, who says they’re on their way to the museum. Luckily for Juney, the Museum is only a few blocks away from the Park, so she asks the Space Pterodactyl (whom she names Athena) to fly her there. Juney arrives just in time at the Museum, because Will, Amy, Calvin, Uncle Rob, Talera and the two Space Dinosaurs they befriended: Tyler the T-Rex and Trevor the Triceratops, arrive there too. Talera, again, reports back to Emperor Zoklax, telling him that she’ll capture the Humans when they get the Anti-Doomsday device. Zoklax is happy to hear this and tells Talera that he’ll send some reinforcements.

So the humans enter the Museum, leaving the Dinosaurs outside to keep guard, but this is when Will makes a blunder: he tells Amy to stay outside. Big mistake, buddy. As you can imagine, the Yoniks see Amy standing outside the Museum, so they kidnap her by beaming her aboard their ship. Meanwhile in the Museum, since Uncle Rob has keys, they enter Will’s Dad’s office. Uncle Rob then reveals that the Device is in a safe, to which only he and Jim know the combination. Rob finds the safe, enters the combination and they find the Anti-Doomsday Device.

Now that they got the device, Will and friends head for the exit, but when they get out, Will notices that Amy is gone. Then some Yoniks show up and surround our heroes. This is also when Talera reveals her true colors: she drops the Princess disguise and pulls a laser gun at the humans, telling them that they’re under arrest. Calvin feels betrayed, because he grew to like Talera. The Yoniks then take Will and friends away (including the Space Dinosaurs), but Talera feels a bit remorseful, because she began to like Calvin too.

The Yoniks take the humans aboard their flagship, where Emperor Zoklax is waiting for them. Zoklax and Uncle Rob recognize each other and says that once they destroyed mankind on Earth, he and the Yoniks will return to their planet: Yonikon IV and will have Uncle Rob executed. Then Will asks why do the Yoniks want to destroy humanity, to which Zoklax replies that the Yoniks want to make Earth their province, and in order to do this, they must eradicate its population. Zoklax then takes the Anti-Doomsday Device and smashes it, then tells his subjects to lock up the humans and the treacherous Space Dinosaurs. The Guards take the Humans away, and Talera watches this and still feels remorseful.

The Yoniks then throw the humans into Cell Upsilon-98, where Will finds Amy. The two hug each other and this is also when Will reunites with his long-lost father: Jim: he happens to be locked up in the same cell. Will is happy to see his dad, but Rob says that they failed to save Earth, because the Anti-Doomsday Device was destroyed. But Jim tells them not to worry, because there is another Anti-Doomsday Device in the ship’s main control room. This is when Talera shows up and releases the humans. Calvin is a little upset because of Talera’s betrayal, but the Female Yonik says she’s sorry and she’ll help them escape.

Will and the others then start heading for the spaceship’s main control room, but since he can see them, Emperor Zoklax sets up many obstacles to stop them. First our heroes are confronted by a group of robots. Will, Calvin, Jim and Uncle Rob try to fight the Robots, but they’re a lot stronger. One of the Robots say that no man can defeat them, which means only one thing: they can only be destroyed by women, so Amy, Juney and Talera come to the boys’ aid and turn the robots into scrap. Calvin is amazed how Talera fought off the Robots, so he forgives her.

The next obstacle is a group of small robotic creatures with sharp teeth, kind of like the Cybermats from Dr. Who, who attack our heroes and start biting them. But fortunately for them, the 3 Space Dinosaurs: Tyler the T-Rex, Trevor the Triceratops and Athena the Pterodactyl come to the humans’ aid and fight off the little robotic piranha.

And then the climax of the movie happens: the humans reach the Control Room, and Will indeed finds the Anti-Doomsday Device. But uh-oh: Emperor Zoklax and his Yonik subjects appear and surround the Humans again. A fight breaks out between the Humans and the Aliens and Uncle Rob gets shot and wounded. The Humans do manage to fight off the Yoniks and Will tells the others to get into an escape pod, while he’ll stay behind and activate the Anti-Doomsday Device. Jim volunteers to stay, but Will tells him he wants to save him.

So Amy, Jim, Uncle Rob and the others (along with Talera and the Space Dinosaurs) get into escape pods and head back to Earth, while Will stays behind. He notices that not only is there an Anti-Doomsday Device, but also a self-destruct mechanism, so he decides to activate both. But Emperor Zoklax isn’t done yet: he tackles Will and the two start fighting. The Yonik leader shoots lasers from his fingers and Will gets wounded, but in the end, the young human manages to activate both the Anti-Doomsday Device and the ship’s self-destruct mechanism.

The Yonik ship’s engines blow up, causing the ship to fall and head for Earth’s atmosphere. The ship soon catches fire and the increasing heat causes all the Yoniks, including Emperor Zoklax to explode. Will says “I love you, Amy” as the ship crashes into a field. Amy, Jim, Calvin, Talera and the others all gather around the wreckage of the ship, to see if Will is OK. Will slowly crawls out of the rubble and Amy quickly rushes to him and embraces him. Jim thanks Will for saving him and says he’s proud of him. Then both Will and Uncle Rob get hospitalized, but luckily, they both recover.

And by the movie’s end, our heroes save Earth from total destruction. Uncle Rob and Juney adopt the tamed Space Dinosaurs: Tyler the T-Rex, Trevor the Triceratops and Athena the Pterodactyl, and Will and Amy get married. Even Calvin asks Talera if she would like to spend her life with an Earthling…





In the end, all I can say is… APRIL FOOLS!!!

Yes, I’m afraid the movie I’ve been talking about this whole time was completely made up. Why? Because the real Disaster Movie is indeed a complete disaster! Much like Bobsheaux with his review on Where the Dead Go to Die, I had to make up my own movie very, very, very, VERY loosely based on the actual flick, because it’s so horrendous that I think it would be highly irresponsible of me to even talk to you about it!

This movie has NO plot, NO characters, NO funny jokes, NO coherence, pretty much NO ANYTHING!!! It’s just random pop-culture references and jokes that are either outdated, dragged out for WAY too long or just make no sense whatsoever! You’re just being thrown around from scene to scene with one stupid joke after the other and the movie never gives you a moment to breathe or stop to think what in the name of Zeus is going on! Nothing actually happens in this movie other than characters from random movies popping out of nowhere, doing or saying stupid things and then getting crushed by meteors or flattened by cows.

In the end, all I can say is DO NOT, I repeat: DO NOT watch Disaster Movie! It’ll just make you mad. Stay. The Hell. Away from it! I’m giving it ZERO out of 10. See you next time on SithVamp Reviews.